What to do With All the Children

Tarka:

From: Telogy

Address: Telogy Expedition First Contact Team.

To: Earth

Address: Colonial Computer Annex 8

Dear Sir.

We have made planetfall on Telogy with the full complement of personnel
aboard the main ship's shuttle.  Contact with the local population will
commence at the soonest possible moment.  Following is a brief description
of what they look like.  Commander Carson has dubbed the race 'Centaurs.'

They are a six-limbed mammalian race.  Two of the three sets of limbs
are used for walking while the last set are used for hands.  Their children
only have four limbs.  They grow the last set of limbs at puberty.  They
were dubbed Centaurs by the First Contact Team.  Their bodies are fully
covered with fur, though.  It is dense on their lower half and thin on
their upperhalf.

We will report in again when there is more information pending.

From: Earth

Address: Colonial Computer Annex 8

To: Tology

Address: Telogy Expedition First Contact Team.

There was an error in your last report.  Centaurs are a mythical race
originally found in Greek myth.  Make sure to add a quick description
of the Telogy natives in your next report.

From: Telogy

Address: Telogy Expedition First Contact Team.

To: Earth

Address: Colonial Computer Annex 8

Dear Sirs.

We are sad to report that First Contact with the Centaurs did not go well.
Soon after we started to talk with them, they grabbed us and bent us over
their knees on the second set of walking limbs and spanked us.  It seems that
they think that we are just children.  We would like to ask for your help
in this matter.

Carson, First Contact Leader.

From: Earth

Address: Colonial Computer Annex 8

To: Earth

Address: Military Computer Annex 4

Colonial Annex 8 is in need of formal help for spanking.  This is a method
of violence.  Approve order of Ten Mark VIII plasma lasers for shipment
to Telogy First Contact Team.

From: Earth

Address: Millitary Computer Annex 4

To: Earth

Address: Colonial Computer Annex 8

Subject: Ten Mark VIII plasma lasers.

Request approved.

From: Earth

Address: Colonial Computer Annex 8

To: Telogy

Address: Telogy Expedition First Contact Team.

The attack on your party was noted.  Ten Mark VIII plasma laser rifles
have been shipped to you so that you can prevent more attacks on your
persons.

From: Telogy

Address: Telogy Expedition First Contact Team.

To: Earth

Address: Colonial Computer Annex 8

Dear Sir.

As per your instruction, we tried a show of force within the context of
making contact with the Centaurs.  Said show of force failed as Centaurs
took the rifles away from us.  They then explained to us that we were not
to get into our parent's guns again.  They gave us a note to give to you.
What is says follows.

  I do hope your children will give you this note.  They are running amok
  over here and just getting into everything.  I would most like to speak to
  you about discipline as nothing we have done will calm them down.

We would like your help with this problem.

Carson, First Contact Team Leader.

Argon:

From: Earth

Address: Colonial Computer Annex 8

To: Telogy

Address: Telogy Expedition First Contact Team

Dear Expedition Team,

Glad to see you have made contact with the residents of this planet.  Still
waiting for an accurate description.  We have concerns about a primitive race
such as this aquiring of your firearms.  The Mark VIII plasma lasers can be
dangerous in the wrong hands, even though we doubt that these primitives can
understand how to use them.  We will however send you 20 Mark IX plasma
lasers in case you must defend yourselves.

The interest the residents show in 'Your Parents' has been interpreted to
indicate they wish to meet with the leaders of the Planetary Council, we
in charge, and perhaps able to bring them out of their low existence and
achieve civilization.  Be advised that you are authorized to promise
anything they may wish, such as teaching them to use fire and perhaps reading.
Do not, however, indicate knowledge of anything beyond their ken.

Also, as impossible as it may be for these ignorant savages, see if they have
any information concerning the Larguthin deposits that our probes have
indicated are present on Telogy.  Due to Council requirement, we must have
permission before using atomic miners to excavate the ore.  Offer them a
few colored beads, or perhaps some orange juice.

Congratulations on your progress so far.  Keep up the good work.

Colonial Computer Annex 8 out.

Terry:

From: Telogy

Address: Telogy Expedition First Contact Team

To: Earth

Address: Colonial Computer Annex 8

Negotiations for the use of the Larguthin deposits have stalled. As you
suggested, we offered them technology and trade goods in return for
permission to deploy the atomic miners.

At first, signs seemed promising, as they expressed interest in our stardrive
and defensive shielding technology. We were told to prepare a formal
presentation so that their officials could make a final judgement.

Unfortunately, it appears a slight error in the universal translators caused
us to misunderstand the nature of the deal. Our presentation was very well
received, and in fact we won third prize in the continental science fair.
They have offered us a tour of their Larguthin mines, which we have accepted
out of courtesy. We will continue to attempt to negotiate for mining access.

In response to your request for a description of the centaurs, please refer
to our original report which included basic biological profiles.

Carson, First Contact Team Leader.

Spaceroo:

From: Earth

Address: Colonial Computer Annex 8

To: Telogy

Address: Telogy Expedition First Contact Team

Upon receiving your latest transmission we did refer back to your initial
report for a description of the inhabitants of the planet; We do still
have some questions. They do not grow their final limb pair until after
puberty? If so... does it serve some sort of sexual function? Find
out what you can.

Regarding developments concerning Larguthin mining rights:  the Planetary
Resources Subcommittee has submitted a brief to the head of the Indiginous
Lifeforms department suggesting that perhaps the value of this planet is
worth overriding negotiation protocols and simply to begin exploitation of the
resource in lieu of any native agreements.  We're becoming less and less
convinced that this race is intelligent enough to understand their position
entirely. We would like you to begin a census of the area using whatever
means at hand to get some sense of the scale a relocation initiative would
require.

In the meantime, enjoy the tour, and don't forget to ask for souvenirs.

End Transmission.

Tarka:

From: Telogy

Address: Telogy Expedition First Contact Team.

To: Earth

Address: Colonial Computer Annex 8

Dear Sir.

I am sorry that we have not gotten back to you in the last week.  As per
your last set of instructions, we did find out that there are four
million centaurs in the southern-most city, but didn't find out any more
than that before the truant officer caught us and put us into school. We
think that a relocation program would be very inadvisable at this time.  We
did inquire again about the mining rights.  We also tried to explain to
them their position in this setup.  The official we talked to gave us an A on
the report.  They seemed to think that it was good fiction.

There is also one other problem now.  Some of their military-minded people
have stumbled accross an alien shuttlecraft.  We know this from looking
at the news in their TV system.  We didn't get a look at it but I would
say that the alien shuttlecraft is a lot like our own.  The newscast also
said that they have captured one of the aliens.

In other news, Dobbs is missing after I sent him back to our shuttle to
get some of the trade goods.  I think that we need a little help
here.  What do you suggest?

Carson.  Commander of the First Contact Team on Telogy.

Argon:

From: Earth

Address: Colonial Computer Annex 8

To: Telogy

Address: Telogy Expedition First Contact Team

It is the Planatary Council's opinion that the missing crewman, Dobbs, will
have no information of use to the natives.  Even his technological knowledge 
is so far beyond that of the residents that they will be unable to use any 
information they get from him.  Your foremost problem, and ours, is this 
alien spacecraft.  It is probably a rogue race trying to ursurp our claim 
to the Larguthin.

We suggest locating this spacecraft and destroying it and it's occupants to
make sure our rights to this ore are protected.

Admiral Starr asks that you do more research into the sexual habits and
development of this species.

Keep up the good work, the help you asked for should arrive with this
transmission.

Enc.  200 packets oat cakes.

End transmission.

Terry:

From: Telogy

Address: South Whibblesnax Fifth: From Study Hall

To: Earth

Address: Colonial Computer Annex 8

It turns out that, just after sending your message, the alien spacecraft was
discovered to be nothing but a juvenile prank. The delinquent in question is
being held while they search for his parents.

In other news, Sergeant Harrison was caught cheating on the midterm and
suspended for a week. I have instructed him to use the time to complete the
census, and am considering further use of this ploy in the service of our
mission. The lessons, however, are extremely fascinating, particularly the
course on native history and culture, and it may serve our anthropological
goals better to follow the rules.

In regards to Admiral Starr's request, I have recently been approached by a
young female centaur as a possible companion to the upcoming dance. While it
is unlikely any biological information can be obtained, it will no doubt
provide fascinating insights into their courting rituals.

Commander Carson, Telogy First Contact Team.

Spaceroo:

From: Earth

Address: Colonial Computer Annex 8

To: Telogy

Address: C.O. South Whibblesnax etc.

First off: There was no mention of Dobbs in your last transmission. Has he

Tarka:

been captured by the savages on that world or not?  As for native dances,
it isn't the business for the First Contact Team to be learning primitive
dances best left for proper anthropologists.

As it seems that you have not been able to impress the natives enough
with your power, we are sending something that will help you: 100 small
wind up watches.  Hold them to the natives' ears so that they can hear
them tick.  If you can trade them for land that would be the best
thing that you could do.  We are also sending a detatchment of space
marines out to you.  They will be under your orders and you are to find
the best use for them.

It is imperative that you find the alien spaceship as well.  The natives
may be protecting them from us.

Colonial Computer Annex 8...

Terry:

From: Telogy

Address: South Wibblesnax Fifth: From Study Hall

To: Earth

Address: Colonial Computer, any annex.

The last scheduled message drone from Colonial Computer Annex 8 failed to
arrive on schedule. In addition, the natives seem extremely agitated and we
have noticed an unusual amount of interest in the members of our team. Please
resend at earliest convenience.

In other news, the planetary census is complete, at 2.6 billion centaurs.
Relocation would thus require nearly 3 million colony-ship missions at a cost
of several quadrillion credits, well beyond the projected value of the ore
our scanners detected on this planet.

No other major information at this time... a summary of gathered data is
attached including a more detailed census breakdown.

Commander Carson out.

From: Emergency Jump-Point Relay 6

Address: Control Center.

To: All Sector 18 Exploration Teams.

Address: OK Guys. Heck isn't a ligit address.

As of 8:45 AM March 6th of this year, all contact with Earth has been lost,
following reports of an unknown alien craft entering orbit by some unknown
mechanism. All reports are fragmentary, but at this time we have no choice
but to conclude that Earth has been conquered by an unknown alien menace.

Accordingly, Centauri Prime is assuming command of the EDF. Due to the
depleted nature of the Navy following the presumed loss of the Home Fleet,
all exploration teams are recalled immediately to be refitted for military
operation. Sector 18 teams should report directly to Centauri Prime Shipyards
with all possible haste.

Things look dark, but with faith and perserverence we will prevail, and
recover our homeworld!

Commander in Chief pro tem Tesla, Centauri Prime.

WalksFar:

From: Telogy

Address: Wibblesnax Middle School Dormitory

To:  Any Annex, any ship, any outpost

Address:  Any outpost listening

Dobbs has been returned to us.  Almost all we have has been confiscated.  It
seems they believe we are still too immature to be exploring space all by
ourselves and have moved us into the school itself until we grow up.  We have
no idea what happened to the aliens we were supposed to find.  It is our
concensus that they are in the same "fix" we are in.  All that is left of our
equipment for now is the communications rig.  They want us to be able to
call home every day to let everyone know we are being well cared for and
educated so that when we grow up we can take our proper place in society.

We have only one request . . . no, make that two!  First, destroy the
Colonial Computer Annex 8.  It is as incompetent and arrogant as some of our
colonial admistrative leaders.  The second, GET US OUTA HERE!!!

 Commander Carson

Argon:

To:  Telogy Exploration Team

Address: Whipplesnix Middle School

From: Earth Resistance Outpost 3

Address: Encoded

Commander Carson,

We are aware of your plight, and are glad to hear that Dobbs has been returned
to you.

The Colonial Computer Annex 8 has been destroyed, but not at your request.

It was destroyed by it's own administrative backups which exploded the
mainframe into a number of small shards of metal.  It was this action that
destroyed the Earth's Space Fleet.

Although all possible effort will be directed towards removing you from Telogy,
you must be aware that there are other issues that need our attention.

A race of aliens have invaded Earth, and seem to think we are a group of
their race's children.

Our knowledge and achievments are looked at by them as simple childhood play,
and we are being forced to attend shcool, taught by the invaders.

Although many of their theories and lessons are fascinating, our lives and
government have been disrupted.

However, crime is down, due to all residents being required to attend school.

There is no unemployment due to the invaders advanced management of resources
and manufacturing techniques.

We have been assigned housing, so there are no homeless... and lawyers have
been assigned to remedial morality classes.

We are in dire straits here on Earth, and have little or no ability to
assist you.  In fact, you are in a better position to assist us than we are
you.

More information to follow.  I must sign off to attend Home Ec.

Earth Resistance

Tarka:

From: Wolf 359

Address: Millitary Annex 20

To: Telogy

Address: South Wibblesnax Fifth: From Study Hall

Dear Carson.

Sir.  As per the former Colonial Computer Annex 8 we are reporting as
ordered to Telogy.  We will be joining you for a rescue out of hostile
area.  I have orders from Gen Barks that you are to join the Fifth fleet
on route to Earth for the counter attack.  I will be seeing you in a
couple of days.  Captain Jep out.

From: Telogy

Address: South Wibblesnax Fifth: From Study Hall

To: Wolf 359

Address: Military Annex 20

We look forward to your arrival with much baited breath.  We would also
like to take with us Dobbs'es new centaur girlfriend as he seems to have
become very attached to her.

Commander Carson Out.

Terry:

Colonel Sanders, Telogy Strike Team: Operation 'Midnight Riflery'.

Personal Log.

While the Marines make their attempt to locate and rescue the members of the
former First Contact Team for trial and execution for siccing this alien
menace on it, my elite strike force will go for the real target: the Centaur
Queen herself.

Using the sensors on the captured starship which will act as our cover, we
have analyzed the centaurs' communications grid and discovered one hub that
transmits more information to the outlying districts than any other.

As per standard operating procedure, armor and weapons pods will be scattered
across the drop zone for the team members to recover as they approach singly
from separate directions, initally armed only with a small sidearm to
minimize sensor profile during the drop.

Our team is trained and determined, and I have confidence we can win, despite
the nightmarish difficulty of our task.

WalksFar:

From: Telogy

Address:  Wibblesnax Middle School Detention Room

To:  Colonial Command or anyone with enough brains to understand

Address:  Hopefully someplace rational

They have checked out our party no less than eight times in the last day to
make sure we are all here.  When we were ordered into this place they said it
was for our own good.  None of us seems to know what is going on.  The only
one allowed free is Dobbs.  His girlfriend's parents vouched for his character
and were allowed to take him home with them.  We were held without
communications for almost three days.  Only today have they brought us our
rig to call out.  For Pete's Sake!  Someone tell us what is going on!

They have assured us that we can all go back to school tomorrow; that all
has been taken care of.  I for one am getting tired of being treated like a
child.  Is there any hope of us finally being rescued?

 Commander Carson.

From:  Telogy

Address:  Wibblesnax School Dormitory

To:  Earth Colonial Administration or whoever

Address:  Does it matter?

When we were allowed to go back to classes and our rooms, we passed by a
group of what looked like Space Marines serving punishment details on the
main grounds of the school.  I hate to ask, but weren't they to rescue us?  If
they were, what happened?  I inquired of one of our teachers about their
situation and was told that they had been very bad and would be serving as
grooms for the school grounds for a very long time.  I guess that's it.  We
are resigned to graduating so we can get outa here.

 Commander Carson

Argon:

To: Whoever is out there

Address: Out there, not here

From: Whipplesnix Middle School

Address: Telogy you idiots!

The Planetary Council's finest, the Space Marines, instead of resuing us, are
busy picking up candy wrappers on the playground!

But we have made a discovery of sort...

McCall has been very depressed of late.  He has been moping around and not
doing his school work, or working with us to escape. (which at this point
seems impossible, except for the following)...

Last night, he started going on about wishing he wasn't here and becoming
very depressed.

He got to his feet and just stood there saying, 'I want to go home...I want
to go home.. and tapping his shoes together.  He kept this up for a minute,
and then he suddenly just disappeared!

Perhaps this is information you can use.

Commander Carson

Tarka:

From: Earth Battle Fleet.

Address: Three hours from Earth.

To: Telogy

Address: Detention center again probable.

To First Contact team.

We have gotten ahold of all of your previous contacts with Colonial
Computer Annex 8 and have found that you have made the proper reports
to Headquarters.  The old standing order that you be shot on sight for
bringing the aliens to us is recalled.

The fleet is about to counterattack on Earth.  Good luck and Godspeed to
you Commander Carson.

Gen Bronside.

PS.  As for your disappearing crewmember, that is now classified as of this
moment. Teleporting Technology is something that we have stolen from the
enemy.  Victory will be ours!

From: Earth

Address: The Principles Office.

To: All Our Children.

Address: Everyplace you manage to find to get into trouble.

My dear children.  I know that you sometimes have not really liked us for
all of the kindness that we have done for you.  That large battlefleet of
warships yesterday did give us a clue to that.  Now I know that the rest of
that fleet is still out there.  Do turn yourselves in children!  We will
do our best to find your parents as soon as we possible can.  They should
have never left you here to take care of yourselves.  Now. I do have some
candy for any of you that will come back and turn yourself in...

The principal.

From: Millitary Computer Annex 20

Address: Somewhere in deep space.

To: Earth

Address: The principal's office.

Dear sir.  If you will look behind you there is a history book of Earth.
If you had bothered to read it you would find that humans don't have
any parents.  They never have.  There are only we computers here to watch over
them and help them.  You have seriously disrupted this work.

Millitary Computer Annex 20

Terry:

From: Trakleny Central

Address: Court of the Supreme Judiciators

To: Millitary Computer Annex 20

Address: Unknown

Re: Custody Hearings to be held in 16 days from the dispatch of this message.

As the acknowledged guardians of the juvenile persons collectively referred
to as 'humanity' the 'computers' are ordered to appear to defend themselves
against claims of gross negligence and contributing to the delinquency of a
minor.

If you choose not to appear to defend yourselves, a citizen will be chosen by
lot to represent your case. But you should be warned -- given the evidence
currently available there is little doubt that the Principle of Earth will be
granted custody. You are strongly urged to appear, or designate a representative
to provide *any* evidence in your defense.

Ten billion counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor carry a
maximum penalty of not less than one billion years in prison and a fine of
not less than three trillion dollars, in addition to reassignment of custody.

WalksFar:

From: Telogy

Address: The graduating class of Wibblesnax Middle School

To: Earth

Address: Earth Resistence.

We have received the news from Earth about the resulting trials with
interest.  There is naught we can do but hope the computers can come up with
the fines and can do the time.  At this point in time, we are being viewed as
candidates for higher education and eventual service to the Children of Earth.

This is an assignment we look forward to with glee as we feel the lot of you
have a lot to learn and we are the ones most able to administer it.  Dobbs
will not be considered for candidacy as his family plan to take him off world 
to attend an advanced school for space science and to become the proud bearer 
of the family name.  In other words, he and his girlfriend intend to tie the 
knot.

Look for us in a couple of years.

 Assistant Principal, Carson

Tarka:

From: Deep space probe ship.

Address: Deep Space.

To: Earth.

Address: Maximum security prison.

Dear sir.

This is Captain Ted of the Deep Space probe ship Argon. How the hell did
all of the Annex computers end up in the big house?

Looking forward to seeing Earth again.

Ted and crew.