Fuzzytail yawned and slowly opened his eyes to the world. It was such a bright and happy looking day that Fuzzytail found himself grinning from ear to ear. Out of bed he hopped with his big fuzzy feet, only to find a tack that had fallen upside down on the floor! As he hopped around his room in pain, he yelled out with a "yarf!," and bashed his knee into the dresser. "Damn, Damn, Damn!" he said with a soft, fuzzy-sounding voice.
Shortly, Fuzzytail sat down. Feeling not so good now on this bright, bright day, with a bleeding foot and a bashed in knee, he looked at the clock only to see very much to his dismay, it was Friday the 13th: Fuzzy bunny hunting opened today. So with absence of glee and tons of sighs, he stepped to his window and looked outside. Right at that moment the window frame came crashing down on his fingers, so with a massive kick, he smashed the glass out of the window to punish the contraption... only he cut his leg on the broken glass.
When Fuzzytail came to (an hour later), having passed out from the loss of blood, his little cozy room was in ruins, with lots of dark red stains in the carpet. "What is he going to do about today!" he thought to himself.
Fuzzytail staggered downstairs, figuring he'd lost too much time already to clean up (and besides, the way things were going, would he really survive a shower?)
But everyone was already gone, and along with them was gone all of the guns, crossbows, and swords that were normally kept above the fireplace. Dammit. He'd had dibs on the AK-47.
Disheartened, Fuzzytail wandered into the kitchen, where he armed himself with a pair of sharp, foot-long carving knives and a particularly vicious spork.
"Who am I kidding," he muttered to himself. "If I go out like this I'm dead meat." So he tossed the knives onto the counter, tripped over the open drawer, and knocked himself out on the edge of the kitchen table.....
As Fuzzytail fell, he thought to himself, "Oh... crap, this' going to hurt." Sure enough, his chin hit the edge of the countertop, sending the freshly-placed implements of sharpitude arcing high up into the air, and just like over-sized lawn darts of the 60's and 70's, they came returned downward, shaving Fuzzytail in various spots of his fur, one happening to shave clean the injury on him where he had cut himself earlier. 'Goody!' he said, smiling, "today won't be so bad after all!" Unfortunately, the ever-lethal stainless-steel spork had just finished it's ark, it's ragged teeth looking like the open mouth of a shark as it came screaming down towards his head.
Fuzzytail dived out of the way of the deadly spork, only feel its bite into his namesake. "YEEEOWCH!" he yelled as he sat down, hard, a sharp pain in his backside. Trembling, he looked back and saw his tail neatly impailed by the instrument of fast-food mayhem. Gingerly he tugged at it, but to no avail. He was pinned fast. "Okay, Fuzzytail, no need to panic..." he thought to himself, "Either it'll work free, or one of my roommates will rescue me." Suddenly he heard the door creak. His features rose, then fell, as he saw who--or rather WHAT--was entering...
The door swung open, and Fuzzytail's whiskers quivered when he realized it was the person he'd asked to the prom tonight... Shanshan's beautiful eyes blinked at him--God, they were beautiful! --it'd taken him weeks of hinting, hanging around, gifts..... even to get her to recognize he was alive ...and now for her to see him like this? Granted, he wasn't the fuzziest catch, but at least--her snout wrinkled in laughter, looking at him, and his ears began to flatten, redden...at the spork stuck in his tail... She shut the door.
Fuzzytail growled at the closed door and slammed his fist onto the floor. "Damn it all. Why does this allways happen to me?" He grabed one the the foot-long knifes and worked the tip under the spork, working it out of the floorboards. With a "twing!" it popped out and clattered. "There. Crappy thing anyways."
Fuzzytail, thinking to himself that his life was worth about as much as leftover human after a cannibal party, headed into the living room again, making a beeline for the body plate chest. With a savage pull he opened up the chest and its tons of armor, everything from medieval plate, to orange chest covers with POLICE printed across the front, fell out onto his already wounded feet... so he went lazy for the moment, holding his feet in his paws, wincing.
Fuzzytail grit his teeth and started to gear himself up, getting ready for the outside world and fuzzy bunny hunting season.
"Geez, Bob, what the bejeezus do you suppose that is?" asked the Rifle-toting coon, as the mound of plastic and metal shambled out of what they could have sworn was a fuzzy bunny house.
"I don't know, Roy. Let's kill it."
Two boxes of .22 caliber ammunition later, the strange pile was still shambling towards the forest, seemingly unharmed, and the raccoons wandered off in search of something with the decency to fall down when you shot it.
Fuzzytail collapsed, halfway across the backyard. They'd stopped, at least... and only two or three bullets had got through, but he couldn't move another step. Still, there were worse ways to spend hunting season.
But just as he was pondering dozing off, a manic chittering drove fear into his heart. No! No! It's couldn't be! Not the squirrels!
Fuzzytail trembled as the chittering grew louder.... ...and louder...and louder. He could only make out one word: "blood. blood. blood. blood..." He trembled harder. His fuzzy mind raced, trying to think of a way out. Then he remembered: The ancient lore of Bun Fu; ...but his mind dismissed this as a lame idea and so he reached for his .45 and started plugging away at the squirrels as they advanced.
Strangely, the bullets seemed to have no effect on the advancing squirrels. Fuzzytail grew wide-eyed and screamed as they reached him, his last thoughts being... "ZOMBIE SQUIRRELS!!!!"
Fuzzytail slowly opened his eyes and grinned. The day was nice and bright, many small bright insects were buzzing around overhead, and he was warm as a kitten in a microwave. He was also feeling very happy.
Fuzzytail turned his head to the side when he become aware of some chanting to the side, then his eyes opened all of the way from the incense-induced high. "Oh God! Zombie squirrels!" He tried to leap to his feet, only to find that his paws and feet were tied to a stake. Next to him was a big fire. The squirrels were working it down into a BBQing pit that was as long as himself. He screamed, then stopped... his gun was close to his left paw, so he grabbed it.....
Fuzzytail eyed the zombies and took aim. He fired again and again... Nothing happened as the zombies just ignored him. He looked at the gun closely for the first time. There was a label on the side: "ACME watergun! Looks real! Makes real sounds! Good for all your watergun needs!"
Fuzzytail groaned....
"Hey, Bob, I hear something!" came a voice from the woods.
Fuzzytail whimpered. "Couldn't the damn coons leave him to roast in peace?" he thought to himself.
"I knew we'd find something following that trail of armor."
The two raccoons wandered into the clearing, and froze. "Uh oh. Squirrels."
"You get the bunny, I'll take care of these little fluffers," Roy said, revving up his chainsaw. Bob unsheathed his machete and headed for the spit. "Make us use up all our ammo, will he? He'll *wish* the squirrels got hi -- AAARGH!"
While Roy vanished under a pile of greenish flesh, Bob quickly sliced through the ropes that had bound Fuzzytail to the spit, leaving deep gashes and dumping him onto the coals.
"Now don't try anything funny, bunny," Bob said, turning to the squirrels. "Hey! You little chitters! Get off him!"
The zombie squirrels turned as one, their little eyes remarkably sparkly for being undead, and rushed at Bob, who ran off into the woods, screaming.
Fuzzytail crawled across the ground, finally collapsing next to a pile of bones that was all that was left of Roy. Well... maybe not *all* that was left. The chainsaw was still there, and looked undamaged. Fuzzytail grabbed it and staggered to his feet. Maybe his luck was finally turning around!
Fuzzytail hefted the chainsaw, feeling its weight and balance... A strange look came to his eyes as he caressed the gleaming metal side of the tool of all this zombie-squirrel-flesh-shredding might. "Shenshen..." he whispered lovingly to the machine...
"SHENSHEN! SHENNNNNNNNNNNNNSHENNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!" he howled, an unearthly scream that sent mice bolting for their holes and chickens to lay prematurely!
His scream of triumph over, Fuzzytail looked around for someone...special...to share a date with him. And Shenshen...
Fuzzytail's face darkened and he loped off to find his love, his ever so loyal, loving girlfriend, Shanshan, who had LAUGHED at his predicament and left him to wallow in the depths of agonizing humiliation.
It did not take long. Shanshan was a creature of habit for a rabbit, and he found her outside her burrow washing her diedies. A maniacal grin warped his face while his eyes darkened evilly.
"Fuzzytail . . . you got free!" She saw the chainsaw now held at the ready. "Fuzzy? What are you doing with that chainsaw. Fuzzy?" She saw his face and froze, her ears straight up.
"Let's just say I am planning dinner tonight. I plan to make Hossenfeffer and you're the main INGREDIENT!!"
Shanshan screamed and bolted, with Fuzzytail on her heels!
"MWUAAAHAAAHAAAHAA! Running will get you nowhere!" He chased her until she was trapped against a cliff with no place to go. "Let's play!" He pulled the starter rope.
Nothing! He pulled again. Nothing! His ears drooped. He pulled again and again. Nothing. . . .
Shanshan walked up along side him nonchalantly while he puffed and pulled and pulled, and pulled until he could pull no more. "Won't work. . . ."
Shanshan took it from him and smirked. "Idiot. Here's the problem. Turn the key on!" She turned the key and pulled the cord. BRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! BRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. . . ! "EEEEEEEEEYOOOOOOWWWW!!"
Fuzzytail's left ear fluttered gracefully to the ground.
"Oops!" Shanshan gazed at the saw appraisingly.
"MY EAR! MY EAR! YOU LOP-EARED PEABRAIN! Look what you did!!"
Shanshan's eyes narrowed. Her ears flattened agains her head. "You don't talk to Shanshan Bobbit like that!" BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. . . .
Fuzzytail just managed to duck as the chainsaw as Shanshan went for his other ear and turned to run. Only to find himself nose first to the same cliff face that Shanshan had been at before. He turned around in desperation and dodged to the side as the chainsaw went past him. BRRRUUURRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *skink skink skink spark*
Fuzzytails fur burst into flames on his side from the chainsaw sparks as he shreaked and ran past Shanshan!
Shanshan turned around with chainsaw held up. "Come back here you... you... ingrate!"
Fuzzytail dodged into the woods and managed to lose Shanshan. Finding a pond of water, he jumped in and put himself out. He perked his one ear and sighed. "Maybe I should just stay nice and safe here for the rest of the day." He looked to his left and read the 'no swimming' sign. "No Swimming: Tar Pit."
Fuzzytail got a sinking feeling in the pit of his tummy.
The sinking feeling continued for quite a while. Fuzzytail tried to pull himself out of the tar, but only managed to get both hands stuck, and so he sat there, helpless, as the sun slowly made its way across the sky, first blinding him for an hour or two, then hovering directly overhead. With the sun and the tar, he began to wish he was back on the spit.
That's when Shenshen found him.
"Stay still, honeybunny," she sneered, starting the chainsaw with one adept pull of the cord, "I'll cut you free."
Shenshen raised the buzzing chainsaw overhead, preparing to finish Fuzzytail off once and for all, when suddenly she froze. There, stuck in the tar, ear lopped and fur shaved, was the bunny with the biggest eyes she ever saw. "Shenshen..." Fuzzytail whispered, "Dearest Shenshen... you know you can't do this to me. Search your feelings, bunny. You know it was always you...me... ...and the chainsaw. We can have it all back. We lost it for a while, but it's here, again, waiting for us."
Shenshen gasped. "FUZZYTAIL!" she cried, lowering the chainsaw and reaching down to lift Fuzzytail out of the tar. "How could I have ever forgotten?" Once more on dry land, Fuzzytail and Shenshen embraced, one arm around each other, the other holding the source of their joy and happiness, together--the chainsaw! "Fuzzytail?" Shenshen looked at her lover. "Who's next?"
Fuzzytail thought. "We haven't paid a visit to the raccoons lately..." Shenshen giggled, and arm in arm and hands on the chainsaw, she and Fuzzytail pranced merrily towards their next... date...