The Dusty Desert.

Adara:
 
The dust blew across the scorching desert as the lion pride awoke from its 
evening slumber.  The sun had just barely crossed the horizon, but the 
temperature  was high.  Six young lionesses streched their muscles and 
scanned the desert, searching for prey.  Suddenly, they heard a "BOOM!  
BOOM!"  Startled, the lionesses turned to see...
 
Cye:
 
..and the lioness saw some hunters in the distance walking silenty thought 
the grass, we'll trying anway. They lioness could hear them, and now see them 
as they moved forward. They had not see her yet so....
 
Adara:
 
The lionesses quietly warned the rest of the herd to stay back as they 
ventured forth.  Slowly, and with great deliberation, the lionesses approached-
 these hunters.  The head lioness, Kayasha, gave the word, and the six 
lionesses attacked the hunters ferociously.  Then...
 
Fenris:
 
one of the hunters turns just as Kayasha leapt for him, dropping his gun he 
screamed and ran as she barely missed taking his head off.
 
Cye:
 
..one of the hunters head got loobbed off! ew! His depatiated corpsed fells 
to the ground. The pride be eating well tonight! The rest of the hunters 
started running away screaming like little school girls then..
 
Adara:
 
The lionesses began to drag their prey away back to the herd.  Suddenly, the 
other hunters came back!  "Well hello there!"  one said in a smarmy voice, 
"We're really not hunters; we're producers from the SUX broadcasting company. 
 We were impressed with your barbarian-like hunting attitudes, and we want 
you to star in our newest reality show!  You lionesses will be paired up with 
teams of zebras, elephants, and meerkats in the new show "Who Wants To Marry 
the Winner of Survivor Africa the Animal Version and Sing in Front of a Live 
Audience While Being Critiqued By a Judge With a Stick Up His Anus."!  Would 
you ladies like to be a part of this once-in-a-lifetime offer?
 
Cye:
 
The loiness has a conferance, discussing the offer.. She head lioness said. 
"Sure why not?", The producer said. "just sign here..", and then..
 
Fenris:
 
the producer hands here a pen and the contract, Kayasha signs, then the rest 
of the pride add their signatures after hers.  The pride shakes paws with the 
producer and are led to a big tiger-striped limo, which takes them to the 
airport where they board Air Serengeti to the studio to meet the other 
contestants and go over the various details of their contracts.  While their 
Kayasha meets a young meerkat named Doko who...
 
Steve:

... kept running around the lions, nagging them for attention and
generally being a nuisance.  "Dude," he said.  "Dude, you're those
lions from the Serengeti who did that number on the hunters, aren't
you?  What's it like popping a hunter's head off, huh huh huh?  Are
you gonna be big TV stars and get stars on the Walk of Fame?  Dude!"
     
Kayasha swatted him aside like nothing with the blunt side of
her forepaw.  "Shuddup."
 
Adara:
 
A loud blowhorn was heard, and all the animals, except the lionesses, 
sauntered outside and into a large helecopter, easily the size of a duplex.  
Kayasha and her group followed, not knowing where else to go.  When everyone 
was on board, the pilot spoke to the animals...
 
Cye:
 
The pilot spoke. "umm sorry to say this but were out of fuel so. I'm out of 
here!", and the pilot jumped out of the plane, with a parachue of course! The 
animals started to panic and then..
 
Fenris:
 
Kayasha realizes that the helicopter hasnt even taken off the ground, so she 
opens the door and steps out of the helicopter.  The pilot is laying on the 
ground with the parachute over his face. she walks up to the pilot and drags 
him out from under the parachute, "What in the name of Simba are you doing, 
you fool." Doko jumps out of the helicopter and runs up and jumps on the 
pilot's head, looking at him upside down he says "Yeah dude, what kinda fool 
are you dude? Huh? You havent even taken off and your already abandoning the 
copter dude."  Then another man walks up and...
 
Steve:

... said, "Hi, I'm the helicopter refueler.  Are there any
helicopters in need of refueling around here?"
     
"Why, yes," piped up one of the lionesses in the back.  While he
was busy hooking up the nozzle to the helicopter's fuel tank, Kayasha
led the other lionesses (and, unavoidably, Doko) to the studio, which
was just next door.  "I mean, honestly, girls, we haven't even begun
shooting yet and already you're becoming indolent and lazy."
     
Doko opened his mouth.  "I think--"  Kayasha slapped him aside
again.  "Shuddup."
 
Adara:
 
The producers rush up to Kayasha and her friends, "Good job, good job, girls. 
 You won the Survivor (c) part of the contest!  What we didn't tell you, of 
course, was that it was a hidden camera type Survivor.  Its real name was 
Survivor: 'Who Can Last The Longest While Put To The Test With Dumb Situations-
 That Will Cause Watching Audences To Laugh At You' Africa.  But now it's 
time for the next part; the marriage!  That's right, one of you lucky ladies 
will end up married to..." The producers stopped for effect as a young, 
handsome otter stepped into view, "TARKA SAARMUS!!!"
 
Cye:
 
The loiness ooh and ahhs over the world famous voted most sexyest lion in 
Africa. "Hi laides..", he say a  coming off his teeth. Then..
 
Fenris:
 
the producer steps in and says "Uh, no ladies not him, he's just for the 
commercial models, your marrying him." points to an otter sitting in the 
lion's lap.  The lionessess look over at the otter and say "Him? How are we 
supposed to marry him, he's not even big enough to please one lioness much 
less an entire pride." Tarka pokes his head up and says....
 
Steve:

... "Hey, I'm mated (open), nad willing to--"
    
 "Will you stop 'accidentally' typing that?" snapped Kayasha.
     
Tarka didn't miss a beat.  "-- to please one of you, or two of
you, or all of you!  Hey, all in a day's work, you know?"
     
Kayasha groaned and buried her head in her paws.  "I don't know
who's worse-- him, that teenybopper Doko, or those screwhead teevee
producers who got us into this mess in the first place..."
    
"I'm hungry!" piped up one of the other lionesses.  "Can we
break for a power lunch soon?"
     
Kayasha smiled grimly in the producer's direction.  "We just
might... "
 
Adara:
 
After a quick lunch, the lionesses, the producers, and Tarka met back at the 
studio.  A large film crew was set up in the back.  As the Producers made 
introductions that were were enjoyed more for their obvious stupidity than 
their wit, makeup artists were hard at work on the lionesses and Tarka.  
Finally, they all appeared on stage; Tarka on the left side, hidden by a 
partition, and the lionesses on the other.  "This section is like the "Dating 
Game" cried one of the producers.  "Tarka will ask questions of the six sexy 
felines on the other side of this wall.  The three who score the highest will 
continue.  Tarka, you may begin."
 
Fenris:
 
Tarka says "Lioness 1: In your sexiest voice tell me what a normal day 
married to you would be like?  Lioness1 Kavatma says "Well we would start 
with an early morning stretch and tongue bath, then we would head down to the 
watering hole for the morning hunt while you waited at the pride lands for us 
to bring you your breakfast.  Then once you had eaten breakfast you would 
have your pick of any lioness in the pride for a few hours before we went to 
get your lunch.  ...
 
Steve:

Tarka yawned and looked up.  "Eh what?  Oh!  Right!  That's
cool.  Lioness number two, what do you think of long walks on the
beach, occasionally pausing to hunt for fish or do whatever else
comes naturally?"
     
"Well--"
     
"Fantastic.  Lioness number three, do you think you'd look
better with harem pants on, or nothing at all?"
     
The third lioness blinked her golden eyes and scratched her
head.  "Er..."
     
"Fabulous answer.  Lioness number four... naw, I heard you
talking before.  I just like the sound of your voice.  Lioness number
five, what's your favourite position out of the Kama Lutra, erm,
Sutra?"
     
"I'm not sure--"
     
"Excellent.  So, lioness number six..."  The otter smiled and
turned to Kayasha.  "What say you to dinner and a movie, and maybe a
quiet evening at home with romantic music?  'Let's Pretend We're
Bunny Rabbits'?  'Closer'?  That Discovery Channel song?"
     
Just then Doko ran on stage and...
 
Adara:
 
"DUDE!  THAT BABE'S MINE!"  Doko came running at Tarka, swinging a huge axe 
about twice has tall as the otter himself.  (Obviously, Doko's been working 
out).  Tarka gave a loud yelp and spang to action.  He jumped the partition 
with relative ease and gave a loud whistle.  Suddenly, a huge net falls down 
on Kayasha, capturing her, and hauling her up to the ceiling...no...wait...tha-
t's not ceiling...it's a silent helicopter, disguised as the ceiling!  The 
copter pulls the captive Kayasha up as a rope ladder comes down.  Tarka jumps 
up onto the ladder as the copter pulls away. "MWAHAHA!  MWAHAHA!" the otter 
cried!
 
Cye:
 
The helicopter start to fly away with the eye-patch otter flying away with 
Kayasha laughing mantically. "dammit!", Takra said jumping into his red 
farrari chasing after the helicopter.. 
 
Fenris:
 
Doko jumps onto his Harley Davidson and chases after Tarka, what follows is a 
chase scene of such dramaticly overdone special effects and near missess that 
you could never ever see it in a movie theater.  Finally Doko and Tarka crash 
their vehicles together just as the helicopter lands at Tarka's super secret, 
but well marked, hideout.  Doko says "Dude that is my lovely lioness and Im 
not about to let you steal her from me.  Tarka says "I stole her fair and 
square, she's mine and I might just take the rest of the lionessess as well 
so why dont you back off pipsqueck."...
 
Steve:

     
"But dude," whined Doko, "That's just not fair at all, dude.
Why can't you just be nice and share Kavatma... um, er Kayasha or
Kobayashi or whatever her name is?  That's just not cool what you're
doin', dude."
     
"Well," said Tarka--  "No, wait."  He shook his head.  "I think
I agree with Kayasha."  He swatted Doko aside.  "Shuddup."  With that
he lifted Kayasha heavily over his shoulder and began descending the
long, twisting tunnels into the secret hideout (which had a sign on
the door reading "SeCKrIt LAb", done very professionally in crayon).
     
Doko shook his head and stumbled to his feet, and, against his
better (if any) judgement, started pursuing Tarka into the tunnels.
 
Adara:
 
Tarka ran inside his "Seckrit lab" and slammed the metal door shut so quickly 
that Doko ran into it.  Inside, Tarka attached Kayasha to a long metal slab, 
and began to put electrodes on her.  He had tied down her legs and was tying 
up one arm as he rambled, "Ahhh, I've got you now, my pretty.  I shall 
perform a secret operation on you that will turn you into my beautiful sexy 
otter queen forever!  Then, we shall take to the high seas..."  Kayasha 
reached over with her free paw and hit Tarka once again.  "SHADDUP!"  Tarka 
grumbled something about lionesses and their Midol as he finished tying her 
up.  Suddenly...
 
Fenris:
 
their was a huge bang as the door to the secret lab blew across the floor 
into a wall.  Out of the smoke and dust runs Doko, carrying a really big gun. 
 Doko yells "Get away from her you otter dude."  Kayasha covers her eyes with 
her free paw and sighs "Oh no, now there are two aggravating little fraggers 
fighting over me."  Tarka says "Your too late pipsqueek, when I throw this 
switch, she will be transformed into my perfect otter queen, completely under 
my control.  Muwahhahahah!"  Tarka runs over and throws a huge red switch 
marked Otter Transfurmation Control and ....
 
Steve:

... the players' screens filled with garbage and the speakers emitted
off-key grunts and squeals.
     
"What the hey?"
    
 One of the other pimply-faced teens shook his head.  "Server
crash.  I swear--" he picked up the Doom IV box-- "We waited through
ten years' worth of vague promises and grainy screenshots for
*this*?"
     
"Aw, dude," piped up the young one with the long greasy hair,
"You gotta let me play one of the lions next time!  I always have to
play that dang meerkat!  It's so boring, dude..."
     
The eldest of the LAN-playing group shook his head.  "The last
time you played a lion, you ended up clawing everyone up to little
squirmy bits, including the others on your team."
     
"But playing a lion is so cool, dude..."
     
The eldest one rolled his eyes as he and the others finished
shutting their systems down and moved toward the exit.  "Shuddup."